Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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