Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
