i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
