I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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