i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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