I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Dick very happy bro
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