my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
