Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
