I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize