She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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