I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
