I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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