I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
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