4 words: hood of his car
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
