This dress was meant to end up on your floor
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
