Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
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