If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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