That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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