I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
