when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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