Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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