those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
