this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
