So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
