Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He shit in the fireplace
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
