Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
