If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Boobs speak an international language.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
