Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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