My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
