pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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