yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize