I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
