On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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