I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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