this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
