Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
