Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Vodka?
Forever.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
