I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize