Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize