he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize