I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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