This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
