ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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