Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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