Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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