guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
operation harelip BJ is a go
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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