we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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