were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
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