He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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