I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize