i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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