seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
