I need help removing her.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
