i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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