I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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