Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
