I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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