dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
