I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
