omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
