Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
