I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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