Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
