Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
